We’ve all come across that person at work who loves to hear the sound of their own voice, but just seems incapable of, or at least uninterested in, hearing what anyone else has to say. In the best of situations, those people can be annoying. In a work situation, they can be the cause of vital information not being heard or understood, and a project heading way off course.

Don’t be one of those people.

Understanding

It is important to note that understanding occurs on two levels: Intellectual and Emotional.

The first seems like a no-brainer:  Of course, people want the meaning of the words they are saying to be understood by the person they are saying them to.  That’s the point of having a conversation, right? Yet, if Joe is speaking about sales trends while Julie is thinking about another project that has gone off track, she is likely to miss some important details in what Joe is saying. Or if Scarlett is using technical jargon while speaking to Scott, someone who doesn’t work in her field, he may end up more confused than informed after their conversation. It is easy to see where Intellectual Understanding can fail.

The second level, Emotional Understanding, offers even more fertile ground for things to go awry. This time let’s consider that Julie has been blamed for that other project’s floundering, while Joe is discussing a dip in sales last month. Julie may assume Joe is implying she is responsible for the slump.  In the case of Scarlett and Scott, she may assume he is familiar with all of the jargon, as she spends so much of her time working with those in her industry that she forgets it even is niche jargon, and does not understand why her message is missing the mark.

In both of our sample conversations, there is an obvious breakdown in communication.  But why?

In each of these cases, one or both of the people involved is failing to actively listen to the other person.

Active Listening

Good communicators practice something called Active Listening.  Put simply, this means they have made it their goal in any interaction to listen and understand, before attempting to be heard and understood themselves.

There are 5 ways to engage in Active Listening to make sure that you are understanding all of what is being said to you, and to let others know you understand them:

1. Blend – Get in synch with the other person and build rapport by showing you get what they are saying, with signals such a head nods and verbal cues like “Uh‐huh,” “Okay,” and “Oh.”  Blending is all about how you look and sound when they are talking.

2. Backtrack – Repeat some of the actual words the other person is using. This is not the same as rephrasing.  In backtracking, you are repeating their actual words without any additional interpretation to let them know you heard what they just said. Backtracking is even more important when dealing with someone on the phone, so they can hear from your voice the words that they said. This idea is similar to repeating back a phone number someone just gave you to make sure you got it exactly correct. 

3. Clarify – Ask clarifying questions to begin to gather information about the meaning of their communication. Ask open‐ended questions by starting them with who, where, when, and how. It is essential that you develop your ability to switch into an information‐gathering mode rather than a reactionary one. When interacting with others, being able to ask the right questions is sometimes worth far more than having all the right answers.

There are 2 key benefits of asking clarifying questions:

• You can gather higher‐quality information than what might be originally offered, especially if a lot of the initial conversation entailed coping with and reacting to vague generalizations. It can also reveal hidden agendas without being adversarial.
• You can help the other person remain or become more rational in the process.  It can help an upset person fill in the blanks in their thinking and diffuse their emotions, encouraging them to become calm and more cooperative.

4. Summarize – This is the chance to summarize back what you have heard: “So if I understand you correctly . . .” Summarizing what you believe you heard uncovers if you have missed something important, and again demonstrates that you understand them.

5. Confirm – This is the final step to be certain that the other person is satisfied that their information has been fully voiced, and that you have understood it. Asking “Do you feel understood? Is there anything else that you think needs to be discussed about this?” shows you are willing to fully hear them out. Confirmation is especially important if they have come to you with a problem or difficulty.

Getting It Right

Let’s go back to our two sample conversations to see how employing these Active Listening techniques would have helped our participants reach a better understanding.

First, Julie needs to be a good communicator and put aside the other project, giving her focus to Joe.  That is a challenge for most of us when we have something stressful going on in the background, but having the emotional intelligence to identify her distraction is the first step; understanding that Joe deserves her full focus is the step that will allow her to practice Active Listening.  Julie engages in what he is saying, nodding in understanding as Joe presents her with the sales numbers; Julie repeats to him, “Sales are down by 4% from the end of December to the end of January.” She then solicits more information from him, “How long have sales been going down? Is this part of a longer trend? Has someone dropped the ball, or is this part of a trend in the larger market?” As she gets the bigger picture, Julie then states, “So, if I am understanding your report, you are saying the numbers look like our customers spent a lot of their budgets on pre-holiday shopping, are now in recovery mode, and a January dip in sales was not unexpected.” Finally, Julie asks if there is anything else Joe thinks she should know about the sales numbers. Joe responds by saying that their inventory levels are low, and Procurement should prioritize restocking as soon as the fiscal year is wrapped up. 

By employing these techniques, Julie has come to understand that in no way was Joe ascribing blame to her, encouraged Joe to share his concerns about inventory levels, and allowed them to depart from this conversation with no feathers ruffled on anyone’s part, and with a plan of how they should proceed going forward.

In the case of Scarlett and Scott, Scott can begin by nodding when he understands, but changing his facial expression to show confusion when Scarlett’s jargon leaves him in the dark. “The nano-widgets are on target for logistics’ transport doomerang to complete fulfillment.” “Yes.” “Okay, I need you to explain the doomerang transport process to me. And can you explain to me how the nano-widgets get to logistics? Who is responsible for that? And when can we expect fulfillment? When are the widgets going to be on the shop floor, so my guys can start using them?”  Scarlett has been an Active Listener, too, and now knows which jargon hits its mark, and which doesn’t. They can both use our 5 techniques to get a complete understanding of the situation: “So, you’re saying the doomerang can both pull the widgets from your inventory, package them, and deliver them to my department, cutting down transport time? That’s great.” “Yes. I hear you saying that delivery was often slow to your department in the past. Do I have that right?” “Yeah, it slowed us down in delivering to Quality Control, sometimes. But it sounds like the doomerang will fix that!” “It should, but definitely let us know if it doesn’t.” “Will do!” “Is there anything else we should know about your department’s needs or schedule? Do you any other concerns?” “I think we’re good, but can you let me know if my guys are placing the order correctly? We were worried we were making it confusing for your end.”

This conversation went from being completely unproductive to a partnership between Scarlett and Joe, all by actively listening to each other.

Active Listening practices improve communication in all situations, but are especially important to use in confrontational conversations. They help turn the focus from expressing anger and frustration toward the exchange of actual information. They don’t discredit one’s emotions; in fact, used appropriately, they fully acknowledge the emotions, as well as the reasons behind them. In an adversarial context, we all want to feel that the other person fully understands “where we are coming from.” Once that is established, tempers will cool, and both parties can work together to come to a productive conclusion.